She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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