He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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