Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
