she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
