i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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