:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
