i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
