well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
