Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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