Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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