maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
