Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
