She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
