The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
