Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
