Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
