does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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