If i come over, it means nothing
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
