fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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