The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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