You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
