That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
