im about as happy as oj after his trial
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I FOUND THE LEGS
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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