Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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