nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
