Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
