the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
