you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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