I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
