My Higher Power is John Stamos
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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