The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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