he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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