i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
