I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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