I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize