She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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