Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
