forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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