The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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