I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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