ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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