she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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