I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
