I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
