Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
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