but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
