There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
