I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
