And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
