I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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