They should really pass out barf bags in church
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
