so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
