just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
