I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
