dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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