Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
