I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
