Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize