my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
