Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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