bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
